When Someone Else Puts You In a Bad Mood Often

DOES SOMEONE'S NEGATIVE attitude ruin your mood often? You might be able to do something about it. I will illustrate the principle with an example.

John’s wife, Darleen, sometimes gets grumpy, and her bad mood makes him unhappy. He thinks she shouldn't be in a bad mood so often. She “allows herself” to be irritated by things that are really no big deal.

A few times John has been angry enough to tell Darleen to quit being such a negative person, but it didn’t go well. What can he do? How can John change Darleen’s attitude? If he did, John is sure he would be happier.

This is a fairly common situation, but there is an inherent flaw in the whole thing. Something is happening that puts Darleen in a bad mood. Darleen’s bad mood puts John in a bad mood. John would like Darleen to change so he is not in a bad mood. Darleen would like the circumstances to change so she isn’t in a bad mood.

In other words, John is doing exactly what Darleen is doing, and then he is self-righteously condemning her for what they are both doing.

If John can’t get himself into a better mood regardless of what Darleen is doing, what right does he have to ask Darleen to do so? And if John can get himself into a good mood regardless of what Darleen is doing, he no longer needs Darleen to change her mood to suit him. Either way, if you find yourself in the same position as John, you need only to focus on one thing: Improve your own mood regardless of what the other person is doing.

If you can do that, you won’t need to change the other person. At that point, however, you would be in a position to help the other person by telling her what you’ve done that works. And your showing and telling wouldn’t be done in self-righteous anger or impatience. It would only be done out of caring because you no longer need her to change. You no longer have any urgency or a demanding demeanor. That will make your suggestions much easier to accept.

And it would be done with compassion because you know full well what it's like to have difficulty improving your mood when circumstances have put you in a bad mood.

And you’re in a position such that whether she accepts your help or not, you’re okay either way because you know how to improve your own mood regardless of what she does.

Below are some links to articles on techniques for improving your mood that do not rely on anyone else’s cooperation.

1. Undemoralize Yourself. This is the root know-how. Master this, and you don't need anything else.

2. Overgeneralization. This is one of the most common thought-mistakes that ruins moods.

3. Argue On Paper. This is really the nuts-and-bolts of how to change your mood quickly and reliably.